All week I felt like I needed more time. The past few days and nights especially have been too short. There were so many things I meant to accomplish but didn't. What did happen?
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On Wednesday, quite unusually, I stopped by the library without Henry and Harper. I checked out some things for them, including Raffi's first album, Singable Songs for the Very Young. We've listened to it over and over. Harper likes the line about the whale with a polka-dot tail in "Down By the Bay," Henry likes the line about the man whose nose was made of cheese in "Aikendrum," and they both giggle through "Willoughby Wallaby Woo." "Brush Your Teeth" and "Peanut Butter Sandwich" are my favorites, and they're both new to me. At some point in the past few days of listening to Singable Songs, I thought to myself, You know you're a mom when you're listening to Raffi and liking it.
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On Thursday morning, I was rushing to help the kids brush their teeth and hair so we could get out the door to gymnastics. Henry combed his own hair, and disappeared upstairs while I combed out Harper's tangles in the downstairs bathroom. Hurrying, I grabbed all of our shoes and opened the door.
Henry heard the door open and called out from the stairs, "Wait for me!"
We rarely go anywhere without a couple of toys, so I figured he'd gone to grab one. It didn't occur to me that he hadn't been finished with the comb. "What were you getting?" I asked.
"Just a little bit more handsome," he said.
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After lunch on Thursday afternoon, we went for a walk around the block. The weather was lovely this week, and when Henry asked to go, it seemed like the right thing to do even though it already was Harper's naptime. I tried to rush the kids along, but that never works. Harper found a tree whose dropped leaves hadn't lost their color or become brittle, and the three of us collected a couple dozen of the best ones to bring home. I got to thinking about how, at a week out from Thanksgiving, it was becoming less likely that I was going to store buy the perfect centerpiece. While Harper was napping, Henry made a leaf collage and I filled a bowl with found items -- some of the collected leaves, a snipping from one of our crepe myrtles, the acorns Henry found with Jake last week, leaves Henry painted at preschool, two small pumpkins leftover from Halloween, and a metalwork pumpkin that's been sitting in a cabinet. Nothing fancy, but the more I think about it, it feels right to use what one has for a day about gratefulness.
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Early this morning, the old chair that Jake and I talked for so long about replacing was carried away by the garbage truck. It was falling apart and never very comfortable, but because it was the one that went with Jake's childhood furniture, I felt sentimental about setting it at the curb. So long, old chair.
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Late this morning (because that's the best I could do for getting them to preschool today), one of Harper's teachers gave me a picture she had taken of Harper. She's taking a black and white photography class with a film camera, and she had used Harper as a subject for an assignment on photographing people. She did the darkroom work herself. I lost my breath when I saw the 11 by 14 inch print. I don't think I've seen a more real picture of my daughter. I'm planning to frame and hang it somewhere special. I'll try to share it once I do.
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I don't like to say never, but I know I'll never be able to control time the way I'd like. I can't stretch it or add pockets of it that are accessible only to me. I can't stop it for everyone else while I get things done. But knowing I can't won't stop me from wishing.
